Confession
by Chaotic Serenity
Summary: Primera reflects on what it means to love Lantis...and the agony it has brought her over the years. Very mild spoilers for the series.


_Author's Notes:_ I never quite understand why so many people hate a certain character in anime. If the character's made to be hated, perhaps, but ones like Primera who are there for humor? It confuses me. Primera may be possessive with Lantis, but keep in mind just strong an emotion love really is.

**Warnings:** None.

**Spoilers:** Mild for series.

Obligatory Dislclaimer: I own no part of Magic Knight Rayearth or any of its characters.

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Confession

  
I love you.   
I say it my mind over and over again as you gaze at me with gorgeous lavender eyes, and I whisper to myself like a pilgrim's furtive prayer to the heavens during the deepest hours of night, as if it would be any good to bring your soul closer to mine.   
But that's just one of those silly, stupid fantasies I indulge in occasionally.   
I suppose it's hypocritical of me. After all, do I not scorn fantasy and love when I see it? Did I not attempt to turn your heart away from Hikaru when she first arrived? Wasn't it I who interrupted you every time Hikaru and you were intimate?   
If loves means sacrifice, then I have failed miserably.   
I'm selfish; I admit it. And I'm jealous. Of her. Of you. Of everyone on this forsaken rock who finds love and has no obstacles.   
All my life it's been about other people. Primera do this, Primera do that. Primera, help your siblings. Primera, let another girl win his heart.   
And I followed the orders. I guess I'm foolish like that. I struggle for independence, yet I always let those I care about have full rule over my life. Somebody once told me that such actions weren't foolish, but generous and caring.   
I still think that person is an idiot.   
My life changed when I met you. Suddenly, I didn't want to allow others to conquer and pillage before I even got back on my feet. I wanted you. I loved you. I swore to have you.   
But I never did, so I struggled harder, grew more bitter ever year, became jealous of all those you knew around you. I clung to you even when I knew you didn't love me, followed you faithfully even though I knew your heart would never be mine.   
However, I still loved you, and I never could bring myself to truly hurt you deeply. It was I who attempted to comfort your profound grief at the loss of your brother, and even after I knew how you felt about her, I helped Hikaru and the others in their struggle to attain victory over the forces attacking Cephiro. I fought with you without regard for my own well-being, and I followed your orders without question whenever you gave them.   
...Why don't you love me? I gave so much just to be with you, so why can't you feel the same? Is it because of what I am? How I look? Am I too selfish, too loud for you to love? Is it because she's younger? Or is she simply more beautiful than I? Did I hurt you, somehow, in my quest for love reciprocated? Am I just in the way to you?   
I wonder, now, what I'll do. I've already lost; that I'm not afraid to admit. Hikaru's won by simply being herself, where as I have fought for your heart for years and have not a glimmer of hope to thrive on.   
...I hate her, you know. I try not to let it show when she's around, since it always makes you so happy when she visits. You have this smile you save just for her. A glorious, heart stopping, beautiful smile that's like watching a rainbow form over one of Cephiro's lakes.   
You never gave me such a smile.   
She's back again. In fact, I'm keeping you from greeting her by ranting at you as I am now. It's funny, Lantis; I always thought you to be more intelligent than this. You still don't get it, do you? You can't, because if you understood how deeply I feel, you wouldn't be laughing right now, rubbing off my anger as just another bad day for me.   
Heh. I've been having a bad day since I fell for him.   
I scream again, my throat hoarse, demanding that he make Hikaru leave, a more direct approach than the one's I've taken before. Why doesn't he get it? Why doesn't he understand? I feel like crying, but I won't. I can't allow them such a victory over me.   
He's giving me a smile now. A warm, gentle one with violet eyes sparkling brightly in the light of the room. Some time ago, that smile would have been heaven to me, a ray of hope when I thought I had none left.   
But not anymore. He's ruined it by giving that smile, along with his heart, to another person.   
Let him go. It's all the more I can do anymore. I've lost my will along with my voice, and I just don't have the strength to pick up my sword and keep on fighting. Let him go, let her have him. I don't have the stamina to keep up.   
You look as me as if I'm stupid, as if I have no idea what I'm saying. Love, you ask me, how could I love you? I could spend an eternity checking off the ways you've stolen my heart.   
But I won't. And that's okay. Because you're okay as long as you never allow yourself to know the truth. You'd prefer to turn a blind eye as you walk hand and hand with Hikaru.   
Because that's just the way you are. Perfectly happy to be perfectly ignorant of the truth sitting on your shoulder or screaming in your face. Because that's life, and that's what it has and always will be for me. The little girl who sits on the shoulder of her love while he blindly strikes through love and life without her.   
I guess I'm the fool again for even bothering to try.   
Sometimes I wish I never knew you. Sometimes I wish she would just die. Sometimes I wish the same for myself. Perhaps then you'd realize what you lost. I wish that you would stop looking at her those bright eyes and turn them to me, if only for a few seconds. I wish...I want...   
But I'm strong; I'll make it. I can live without my wishes coming true. Someday I'll get over you and move on. Maybe someday you'll realize that I'm no joking when I claim you for my own heart.   
Because I need that hope to carry on without you. Because I need to be able to wake up in the morning and know that there is a reason for me to go on. Because I have a heart too, and you are breaking it. Because I can't this anymore. Because it is killing me.   
Because...I...love...you... 

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**Final Notes From the Author:**   
  
I suppose I'm a rare breed of a Rayearth fan, being that I don't hate Primera. She actually come off to me as a very sad and frustrated character. After all, she **is** in love with Lantis. I don't care how annoying her character is at times: unrequited love hurts.   
This story was an attempt to look at the darker side of Primera's feelings. Eventually, I'd like to think Primera came to accept Lantis' love for Hikaru and move on (like the story claims at the end), as well as some justification for her at the end.   
I do hope you enjoyed the story. Comments and criticism alike are welcome. ^_^ Thank you for reading and have a nice day! 


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